A Dirty, Misused Word.
"Codependency is a type of dysfunctional relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or sex addiction".
This is the definition of Codependency according to the dictionary. It all has to do with an addiction issue.
This idea was first started by Alcoholics Anonimous in regards, to someone choosing alcohol, drugs, gambling, or sex over their loved ones, they are essentially forming a powerful bond with that substance or behavior. Not your typical relationship.
Codependency was a term invented to describe this painful process for those who love someone with a substance addiction.
This term was meant to help those people to cope with life and move on as normal as possible without the addict destroying their life. It was meant to help the addict's partner or parent reconnect with their life by taking care of themselves, loving themselves, putting themselves first and not being mistreated or manipulated or hurt by the addict. Again, this was not meant for your typical functioning relationship.
We are told by many counselors, psychologists or psychiatrists today that codependent relationships have to do with one person being needy of the other. But now you see that codependency does not mean needy, clingy or reliant, or too dependent.
To be dependent on someone else in our culture today, is a shameful thing. We are encouraged to be independent and self-sufficient above all else. And, I am not saying that this is bad but it has all been twisted to mean something else. To never need anyone as a woman is the pride and joy of feminism. We hear of women today that strive constantly to not be seen as weak, depending-on-anyone-else individuals. We are told we are better, superior, or as good as any man out there, therefore, we should not ever try to be dependent upon any man. We should be better than any man out there. We can compete and win as strong, powerful women without being needy of any man for comfort and security.
And so we see the war of the sexes today that is being fueled up to set us against each other daily. And we as women are exhausted because it is not the natural flow of womanhood.
We hear and read things like:
“You have to love yourself before you can be in a relationship.”
"Put yourself first."
“Don’t trust anyone but yourself.”
"Take care of yourself".
"Remember you are number 1, number 2, number 3 and so on."
“You need to have more of your own interests. You’re too dependent on each other.”
"Don't go looking or chasing or don't go after any guy."
“You’re never going to attract a man or woman if you need them.”
If you are somehow reliant on your partner, you will likely be judged as codependent. Our society would say you are too needy or not taking good enough care of yourself.
After all "aren't you strong enough on your own? Then why would you need anyone else"?
It is really a mess out there, and the discrimination on this subject, especially by other women is terrible.
Us women really know how to put each other down with ugly and vicious remarks.
Making shameful and hateful remarks about the needy, dependent housewives.
Like if that was some sort of leprosy.
I was talking to my very wise friend psychologist and she told me this: "Mariam there is no such thing as being needy or codependent. There is only an effective way of depending on someone else or an ineffective way of depending".
"If you are ineffectively dependent, you might reach out to your partner in ways that don’t work". In other ways, you have a communication problem, not a codependent issue.
Say you feel unsure of his love for you, you might repeatedly ask his approval of your appearance, or nag him to help with the chores more as a sign of him showing to you his love. Or perhaps you are not thinking about the right words to communicate what you have a need of.
If you are ineffectively dependent upon each other, your relationship will be insecure and unstable. I know that is a fact. So you need to learn how to talk to each other in an effective way. A way that helps each other.
Facts about Human Dependency Are:
We depend on each other (whether or not we like it or not) for survival.
We depend on each other because we are wired for connection.
The need to connect with other people is biologically wired into our brains.
We don’t function well in isolation (think of inmates in solitary confinement – some say it is the worst torture)
We all long for love, care, and reassurance our whole lives, since the day we are born.
We are not codependent, we are social mammals who function best in secure relationships with others.
These are just to name a few things, in case you think I have lost my marbles.
We all need people and we need each other's help, and we need to be around other people to function the right way.
That is how God created us.
If you don’t long for care and comfort, perhaps you got some inaccurate messages about what it means to love and be close as you grew up.
Think of past relationships did you ever hear or were you ever told that you "have to disown and forget about your needs of being with someone else and strive for independence?”
Well, If you are not comfortable asking loved ones for what you need, or it feels scary, chances are you may not have been shown how to be effectively dependent on your loved ones. We were not born independent from each other. Some one changed our diapers, fed us, dressed us. We were very dependent on the love that we were given. Well That doesn't change with age. As a matter of fact older people go back to that kind of dependency.
All of us will at one point or another.
God tells us to seek him and ask him anything we need in prayer and to love one another as He has loved us. Good Lord, and here is a pretty "extreme" example: He died for us. If you don't think that is loving someone being too dependent on them, so dependent that you die for them to have them be with you forever. That is the tops, the max, of radical dependent. But then, according to today's relationship experts, that is a pretty insecure and no win situation for love/relationship standards.
So you see we have it all backward and we wonder why so many things with men/women relationships fail today.
I believe that effective dependence like God gave us all to seek and have, take courage nowadays. It makes people, well women actually, very uncomfortable because down deep in the fabric of our being it was wired in us, and we are looking for it all the time. Our radar will never stop until we find that kind of real relationship.
Perhaps you have bought these modern lies, and you are miserable because of it. Well, my dear, shake it off and be free and live an effective dependent love life with your loved one(s).
Maybe you will stick out like a sore thumb but I can assure you it will be worth it to your soul, health, and womanhood. After all what woman on God's Green Earth doesn't need to love real good and to be loved back real good?
This is Mariam From My Ami Way to Yours,
wishing you courage to really be dependent so you can live with Independence from a lonely life.
Keep Love Above, That's My Ami Way!